Closure

I read a few pages in a book titled "Shrapnel In The Heart" on the way to the airport today(I feel the need to note that I was not driving!), then several more pages before landing. The book's main body is a compilation of notes and letters left at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, DC. I've had the book for quite a few years - it was bought during my brief obsession with the time period while I was in high school, and has somehow made it through several moves and spring cleanings. I have read it again and again, and like visiting an old haunt that holds emotional weight, it has yet to leave my eyes free of tears. In learning myself, I have found that when my heart is truly squeezed, I tend to overflow at eye level. Admittedly, I don't pick up the book with the hope of a new resilience to the material… it's nice to know there will always be something in me that is soft and pliable to the sincerely written word.

Of course, while a sure emotional release has it's place, the real intrigue of the book(for me) is how it keeps me amazed at humanity's search for closure. In this case, the obvious example is death, but in life I continue to find evidence that, in all things, we feel that inside urge to sear the torn edges of what we have left.

Before I continue on what could be a very backward tangent, I am compelled to provide a disclaimer. On this subject, I am writing purely from my perspective and have done no research in which I could approach it from a different angle. I say this, reader, so that you will dismiss any hint of a narrow-minded attitude in what I may say, and will perhaps provide me with a fresh concept should you disagree.

Now, to continue with our silent hunger for closure. Off the top of my head, I think that the main(if not the only) area we need closure is after Loss(death, break ups, fired from a job, etc). I do believe that Conflict(fights, misunderstanding, arguments, etc) can be something we need closure for, but I am convinced just as strongly that both trickle down from the same, albeit distant, pool. So, let us discuss this pool… perhaps wash our mind of the mental cobwebs and find a better way of thinking.

Loss. Separation. Death. End. These words are never the ones we teach children do we? We want them to say "love", "Grandma" and "please", and keep the other words(and more importantly, the concepts they represent) an educational mile marker they can reach far in the future. They certainly aren't the most pleasant nouns in our vocabulary, and when you must read them in your internal diary, they are even less welcome. This becomes more interesting to me when I consider these next words: Finish. Complete. Accomplish. Are these words not just as final of a close as the first set? The difference between them lies in the subject I have placed on this round table: closure. My point is not to explain the difference between winning and losing, but to think aloud and somehow draw a more definite line in the sand, between holding on and letting go.

Closure. The word should be longer, to represent it's challenge better. It's is not a simple conversation you have with an former boyfriend that makes you feel good about having broken up with him. It is a process. I have a few friends in the military who had to learn Land Navigation. They had "tests" where they were required to find several obscure points on a large map without the use of technology, just their learned skills. I consider closure to be similar - The process requiring you to reach certain "points" in your psyche. For the average human, they may be obscure points as a result of not having the need of being visited often(which accounts for the reason so many people find it difficult to "get over" someone or something), but reaching them is necessary to emotional success. Now, I cannot admit any level of clarity when it comes to the solution… that is something I hope to acquire. Join me?

Responsibility. Somehow, if there is even a wispy chance that a Loss or End came about as a result of our action or inaction, we cannot be still inside. We argue within ourselves, and as much as we want to reach a place where we can be calm, one side seems determined to not allow such peace. Of course there will always be people who can ignore emotional impulses, and I don't speak to them when I say this, but I feel that there are two ways our "uneasiness" manifests itself. The first, relocating the blame from us to another party, is common. If we get fired, we may blame the boss, the coworkers or even the institution. A death can have us blaming God or the ones closest to the deceased. A breakup can result in our blaming the significant other, bad mouthing them to reassure our own accuracy. We all see this often, even in ourselves, much like next way. Some of us over-blame ourselves, essentially digging a depressive pit for us to wallow. Were this another person doing it, it would be called emotional abuse because we force ourselves to live in guilt, when we very likely have done nothing wrong. If we lose a loved one, we regret any lack of closeness. If we lose a relationship, we search for any possible shortcoming on our part. If we lose a job, we cycle through our inadequacies to reason why we couldn't do the work. This way is quite the silent partner, but can assassinate a positive attitude just as effectively. Moving on to the other...

Control. Responsibility asks "am I at fault?" while control asks "what can I do?". I think sometimes we adopt a temporary Humanistic attitude, where we believe we are essentially the god of our universe, both responsible for negative circumstances and in the position of power to solve these circumstances. Bypassing the obvious flaw in thinking the world truly revolves around us, we are borderline insane to assume that we mortal beings can "fix" things beyond our physical ability. And even if something is in our control, how could we be so arrogant to think that what we find to be a solution is really a solution at all? We may be simplifying our own situation, yet complicating it for someone else. Surely, we should help if possible, but it should not be to feed our own emotional crave. Some pain is best felt - the best things to keep are worth hurting over if lost.

And now that I have written all this, I am as confused as ever.

So, this is the end of what I think on this subject, or at least what I can clearly communicate to you, reader. I have too many thoughts, and it is too late to continue. Excuse my jumbled display of literacy, and only critique my perspective, not my organization. This subject is too deep, and I have repelled into this cave past the lightPlease respond with your thoughts - I feel that a true solution is an arms length away, and it could be you that makes sense of this Picasso. I wish I could say what should be done, or how one should feel - I should think that it is relative to the situation. I suppose what makes us unique is which knots we tie to secure those loose ends.

What Is "Fair"?

I had a close friend tell me today that I overuse the word "fair" when I try to make a point to someone. He is absolutely right, although I did not realize it until now... I am still not certain if I'm upset because I don't like having such an distinct display of immaturity, or if it's because I didn't discover it myself. Criticism, whether constructive or malicious, is better accepted when it comes from an inside source as opposed to an outside one.

Sadly, life is not fair.

Of course, as soon as I type this, I want to redact my saying "sadly". If life were very fair, I suppose I would not be truly happy for anything. I would think every good thing to be something that I deserved, and every bad thing to be the same. The emotions that accompany the natural ups and downs of life, with the mystery gone, would muddy until no clear separation could be found. We humans may be creatures that pursue answers, but in this area, I think we are satisfied knowing the pot of gold will continue to elude us.

Fairness, once I began to dissect it, is quite the selfish requirement. To ask someone to treat me fairly(and in this sense, I do not mean"justly" - I think "equally" sits better adjacent to the term) is, in a subconscious way, telling the person that I consider myself equal to them. A lesser person would not deserve to be treated as one who may be on a higher tier in quality.

Now, reader... don't glare at me so! You are judging me because you think I judge someone else, which is quite funny, should you think of it for a moment. I do know that all are created equal in a human sense, and regardless of color or creed or culture, we all have the same soul potential. To explain my perspective, I think the difference lies in the avenues we each choose to manifest our potential. In a crude attempt to provide you with an example, I offer the subject of Careers. While one person may use their time and energy to become an artist, another may decide to pursue law, and another may clean houses... We all make a choice to invest our body and blood in a direction, and whether we choose north or southeast, we all started at the same place. The "higher tier in quality" I write of has nothing to do with the value of human life in it's biological form. It just means that in a very small and very singular way, one person has the upper hand in that isolated situation.

Think of humanity as a pot of alphabet soup, with each person being a ladle full. The base ingredients are all the same, but some of us can spell "pull" and some of us can spell "clock" as the result of the letters we are given. This doesn't make anyone better than the other since we all have the same material value as far as the worth of flesh and blood go, but there will be moments in life where a situation needs a lot of vowels and the individual providing them will seem successful above those bowls with all the "q's" and "z's". I strongly believe that everyone is brilliant in some area - it just happens that social trends can cloud the public vision as to what may be useful. I am reminded of something Einstein said - "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing it is stupid". Of course, there will be times that a person's genius may be difficult to notice because their skill or talent has yet to find an opportunity where it can present itself. And going a step further down this obvious rabbit trail, an individual's expertise could remain ambiguous to society because they lack the insight to realize it themselves or the motivation to reveal it, should the chance arise.

Bypassing the hairline fractures I have created in this conversation, let me close the book on my original point before I lose it to mental distraction. At the end of the day, I don't want to be the type of person that makes childish demands for fairness, and so I will continue to treat everyone as a mental, emotional, physical, circumstantial and religious equal.

The real trick will be if I can manage not to grow frustrated at the lack of reciprocation!